What do you what to be when you grow up?

It is an interesting question that I have been pondering lately. It is strange, it is true, to be asking this question now, in my mid-thirties. You see, I have spent the last six years as a identity-less care giver and butt-wiper. I gave every ounce of effort I had to my children and almost zero to my husband. Guess how much effort that left for me? You guessed it, less than zero. I am tired, and I am burnt out and I want a do-over.

I really am wondering if it was worth it. It was me who insisted on the stay-at-home mom role. Hubby really encouraged me to keep my career. I was racked with guilt and had serious control issues. I thought, this is a job too important to leave to anyone else, so I resigned and didn't look back for a long time, until now. Was it the right choice? I really can't say that I know the answer. The only thing that I do know, is that I wished I had not made it an all or nothing proposition, that I had kept up with my career in some small way.

After looking for a job for over a year, I am actually getting my do-over. I have just begun what will be a 3-year program to become a Speech-Language Pathologist. In the end, I will end up with a Master's Degree in SLP and be certified. A month ago, I was really into this new phase of my life. Now, after beginning classes, juggling studying with family life, and being surrounded by 18-22 year olds, I am starting to second guess myself. Then there is the added confusion that hubby's job may transfer him to Chile or another LatAm country at any given time. So here I am, trying to get going on my degree, let alone finish it, while trying to plan for a moving target. Not to mention that my Spanish still needs work.

I have an MBA already, that I thought was my ticket to job security. I slyly checked that one off my list of to-dos, attending graduation my my bulging 8th month pregnant belly. I thought I had it all figured out, even working full-time for the first year of my child's life. Then boom, I decided I wanted to stay home. Now, all I am left with is an old MBA and I gap in work history that you could drive a truck through.

It is not that I am concerned about being able to handle the workload of a graduate student. It's that I have never had to do it with so may balls in the air. Each of them hurdling in space in unkown and unexpected trajectories.

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? I just don't know.

A Little Samba shakes the Big Apple

Like most Latin American countries Brazil celebrates its independence day this time of year. We were in NYC for Brazil Day 2010 this past weekend. It was amazing. I think that Brazilians must be the most fun and most diverse people on the planet. The food was to die for, and along side Brazilian specialties were other street foods from many other cultures represented in NY. And the music...wow! The dancing...double wow!

Gringa sin patria seeks loving home

I have only been there once. A two-week whirlwind of long overdue visits to family members who were warm and welcoming and strangers at the same time. I wonder what they thought of me, this tall, shapely young woman with a Mediterranean face (my family is of Italian descent) and crisp gringa clothing and reserved gringa mannerisms. My fiance's aunt gave me her impression of what our speaking English to one another sounded like to her. She clenched her teeth together and spoke pseudo English in a way that can only be described as the way one speaks with a mouthful of food while trying contain every morsel. Each day was a new home with new faces. All extremely hospitable, all very warm, open and eager to know about our life in Gringolandia.

The trip was filled fun times and mishaps including a broken down car on La Panamericana and a stay at "un motel". The look on the employee face was priceless as he helped us jump start our tiny rented Kia inside the secret gates the next morning. My finace's, brother in law, and I had arrived close to midnight the night before and shared a room because the others were full. Imaginate que pensaba!

With all of the obligatory visiting, the two weeks which seemed ample at the start of our trip, passed extremely quickly. We returned to the states without seeing much of Chile at all. Sure we climbed to the top of los cerros Santa Lucia and San Cristobal, spent a rushed day in Vina and Valparaiso, and ate our fair share of empanadas rrrricas. However, the plans that we had to see all of the typical meccas of this long, contrasting land of my future husband's birth were left at the airport, as we boarded our flight home. That was 12 years ago.

Fast forward 2010, much has happened since then. Marriage, careers, cross country move, another cross country move, kids, and George W. Bush. My faith in the American Dream has faded and I am completely disillusioned with not only this country's politics and economics, but also the cultural "truths" I once held dear.

Much has changed with Chile as well. The Chilean Miracle. A prosperity not seen before. My husband has been traveling to Santiago on business over the past few years and has witnessed its prosperity. Working closely with his colleagues there, he has been impressed by the kind of life they live, not in terms of money, but in terms of the social and family lifestyle. Like many Chileans living abroad, he dreams of returning to the homeland that is dear to him.