It is an interesting question that I have been pondering lately. It is strange, it is true, to be asking this question now, in my mid-thirties. You see, I have spent the last six years as a identity-less care giver and butt-wiper. I gave every ounce of effort I had to my children and almost zero to my husband. Guess how much effort that left for me? You guessed it, less than zero. I am tired, and I am burnt out and I want a do-over.
I really am wondering if it was worth it. It was me who insisted on the stay-at-home mom role. Hubby really encouraged me to keep my career. I was racked with guilt and had serious control issues. I thought, this is a job too important to leave to anyone else, so I resigned and didn't look back for a long time, until now. Was it the right choice? I really can't say that I know the answer. The only thing that I do know, is that I wished I had not made it an all or nothing proposition, that I had kept up with my career in some small way.
After looking for a job for over a year, I am actually getting my do-over. I have just begun what will be a 3-year program to become a Speech-Language Pathologist. In the end, I will end up with a Master's Degree in SLP and be certified. A month ago, I was really into this new phase of my life. Now, after beginning classes, juggling studying with family life, and being surrounded by 18-22 year olds, I am starting to second guess myself. Then there is the added confusion that hubby's job may transfer him to Chile or another LatAm country at any given time. So here I am, trying to get going on my degree, let alone finish it, while trying to plan for a moving target. Not to mention that my Spanish still needs work.
I have an MBA already, that I thought was my ticket to job security. I slyly checked that one off my list of to-dos, attending graduation my my bulging 8th month pregnant belly. I thought I had it all figured out, even working full-time for the first year of my child's life. Then boom, I decided I wanted to stay home. Now, all I am left with is an old MBA and I gap in work history that you could drive a truck through.
It is not that I am concerned about being able to handle the workload of a graduate student. It's that I have never had to do it with so may balls in the air. Each of them hurdling in space in unkown and unexpected trajectories.
So, what do I want to be when I grow up? I just don't know.
Your post reminds me of a book I currently have in my Amazon.com cart called "The Ten Year Nap" (http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Year-Nap-Meg-Wolitzer/dp/1594489785 ). The author seems to coin the term "the opt out generation" and writes about women who abandon "promising careers" in lieu of full-time motherhood. My humble opinion commends you for going back to study and doing something different, since it seems to be what you want (or, at least, it sounds that way.) I always say that I will have no problem handing my kids off to nannies. Reason #1 my mother was a nanny our entire time in the U.S. and she was amazing. Now she's here so I know she'll be able to guide any nanny we find here and #2 of course, nannies are much more affordable down here. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing a moral chord because I see absolutely no issue with leaving my kids at home while I work - I wonder if that's wrong. But then I know myself and right now, even working from home drives me nuts.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, congratulations on going back to school. If you managed an MBA, a marriage and raising children, I'm sure you will manage and excel at this. One adjust to everything, even balls in the air.
The Ten Year Nap - that is exactly what it feels like! I will check it out. Sounds interesting. I don't think you are missing a moral chord at all. I think my issue with leaving it to someone else really had to do with fear of not having control and general fear that I think is a bit a part of our northamerican culture. One of the things that I really like about Chilean culture is the solidarity that I see, as if everyone is working towards moving the country forward. I think that it may create more trust between individuals. Maybe there I would be more at ease with delegating some of my responsibilities to a nanny or nana. My kids are a bit older now, I am getting more comfortable with that notion. My own ambitions are starting to pull me away from those fears.
ReplyDeleteDee,
ReplyDeleteWe never know about decisions, we make them and live with them and things somehow generally work out. Now you have a brand new chapter in your life-and there will be more. Some people will make you feel guilty no matter what you do but I chose to work outside the home(ok, sometimes it wasn't a choice) but it worked out well.
Moms need to be happy too so the kids are happier.
It is good to hear from a mom who has done this and had a good outcome. Getting rid of the guilt is helping me get more focused on my work I've noticed. I just rocked an exam and it feels amazing!
ReplyDeleteDoes anybody really know what they want to be when they grow up? The pressures of society really tell you to grow up, go to college, get married, have kids, have a career and then retire. And then wham bam, thank you ma'am, and you're dead! The whole societal pressure thing really doesn't take into account this new generation that is constantly switching careers, starting over, raising their children and then going back. I feel like our generation has been told that you can have it all, but we don't really know how to do that yet.
ReplyDelete