What do you what to be when you grow up?

It is an interesting question that I have been pondering lately. It is strange, it is true, to be asking this question now, in my mid-thirties. You see, I have spent the last six years as a identity-less care giver and butt-wiper. I gave every ounce of effort I had to my children and almost zero to my husband. Guess how much effort that left for me? You guessed it, less than zero. I am tired, and I am burnt out and I want a do-over.

I really am wondering if it was worth it. It was me who insisted on the stay-at-home mom role. Hubby really encouraged me to keep my career. I was racked with guilt and had serious control issues. I thought, this is a job too important to leave to anyone else, so I resigned and didn't look back for a long time, until now. Was it the right choice? I really can't say that I know the answer. The only thing that I do know, is that I wished I had not made it an all or nothing proposition, that I had kept up with my career in some small way.

After looking for a job for over a year, I am actually getting my do-over. I have just begun what will be a 3-year program to become a Speech-Language Pathologist. In the end, I will end up with a Master's Degree in SLP and be certified. A month ago, I was really into this new phase of my life. Now, after beginning classes, juggling studying with family life, and being surrounded by 18-22 year olds, I am starting to second guess myself. Then there is the added confusion that hubby's job may transfer him to Chile or another LatAm country at any given time. So here I am, trying to get going on my degree, let alone finish it, while trying to plan for a moving target. Not to mention that my Spanish still needs work.

I have an MBA already, that I thought was my ticket to job security. I slyly checked that one off my list of to-dos, attending graduation my my bulging 8th month pregnant belly. I thought I had it all figured out, even working full-time for the first year of my child's life. Then boom, I decided I wanted to stay home. Now, all I am left with is an old MBA and I gap in work history that you could drive a truck through.

It is not that I am concerned about being able to handle the workload of a graduate student. It's that I have never had to do it with so may balls in the air. Each of them hurdling in space in unkown and unexpected trajectories.

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? I just don't know.